I never thought my life would end up like this. I’m in my mid-30s, married for 15 years, with three kids under 10. I used to think love was all that mattered, but now it feels so far away. I have broken up with my husband but only I know about the breakup.
For months, I had this feeling in my gut that something was off. It started small. My husband, who used to rush home to see us, started coming home late from work. At first, I told myself he was just busy. But then he started spending more and more time on his phone. I’d sit there, feeling this knot in my stomach, wondering who he was texting.
One night, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with me after the kids went to bed. He said he was too tired and went to bed early. That was so unlike him. He was always tired. And he always had an excuse. I stayed up alone most nights. It was like I was watching our marriage slip away, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
I remember one weekend, we went out as a family. He kept checking his phone, stepping away to take calls. It drove me crazy. I thought maybe it was work, but my heart felt heavy. I tried to push it away. I kept hoping he’d come back to me, but he seemed so far away.
Then there was our anniversary. I spent weeks planning a nice dinner. He came home late that night. He had forgotten about it, or pretended to forget. I will never know. I cried that night, feeling so alone. I wanted to believe he loved me, but knew something had changed. I felt like I was losing him, but I didn’t know how to fight for him when he seemed so distant.
As time went on, I became even more depressed. I’d wake up hoping today would be different. But then I’d catch him in little lies about where he was or who he was with. Each small lie felt like a stone in my heart, making it heavier and heavier. I felt trapped, waiting for something bad to happen. It was like living in a fog, with fear following me around every day.
When he started going out more with friends after work, I felt crushed. I noticed he was buying new clothes and new perfume. I wanted to confront him, to scream and ask what was going on, but was too scared. Instead, I put on my mask, pretending everything was okay. Inside, I was falling apart.
Those months of suspicion were painful. I felt so lonely, like I was fighting this battle all by myself. I had no one to talk to. I had spent the last 15 years of my life being mon and wife and had drifted apart from my high school friends. Moms at my kids schools were aquaintances, not friends. I also had no proof. So I kept quiet, feeling the stress build up until it felt like too much to bear. Nights were the worst. I’d lie awake, crying into my pillow, wishing it was all just a bad dream.
Then came the day that shattered everything. He said he was going out of town on a business trip but I saw the receipt to a hotel in town. He was having an affair, My heart sank, I felt like dying. All those months of doubt and pain hit me like a tsunami. My worst fears were true, and it hurt more than I can explain.
Now I’m left with this unbearable pain. I know I need to leave him, but I have to pretend everything is fine until I have an exit plan. I am fully dependent on him financially. Each day is a struggle. I smile and act like nothing is wrong when he’s around, but as soon as he leaves, I break down. The kids are so innocent, and I want to protect them from this mess, but I can’t keep pretending forever. I want to leave but I don’t even know where to start. In my heart, I have broken up with my husband but haven’t told him yet.
The pain is like a heavy weight on my chest. I feel like I’m grieving not just the man I loved, but the life we built together. I keep remembering the good times. It’s all gone now, replaced by lies and heartbreak. I think about how we used to talk about our future, and it feels like a cruel joke.
Every day is a mix of sadness and rage and doubt. How will I get out of this situation when I’ve never had to survive on my own. I dream about what it would be like to be free from this pain, to wake up without this heavy feeling in my heart. I want to find happiness again, even if it feels impossible right now. I know I deserve better than a life filled with lies, but I’m scared to start over. But I do need to start over and move away from this liar.
I also think about my kids and feel guilt. They love their dad, and I don’t want to hurt them. Yet I also know I can’t stay in this broken marriage.
This is my life now—planning my exit while pretending everything is fine. I hope that one day I can look back on this time as a chapter that made me stronger. Until then, I’ll keep moving forward, one painful step at a time, hoping for a brighter future.